I still wanted to share what I feel.
Right now, I feel like crying.
I just really hate him so much that I wanted to cry.
If you would just give a damn and read my past entries, I know you would be both surprised and annoyed because I have said the phrase "I hate him" too many times. In fact, I had already lost count of them.
And maybe, you were thinking that I didn't mean it because I keep on repeating it.
But the real thing is that, this time around.. I do mean it. I swear I do.
Just a minute ago, I have broken the promise (to myself) that I won't call him ever again. Why? Because for the last time, I just wanted to know where I really stand.
And also.. just a minute ago, I had realize where I now stand.
I had realized it when I called his landline number and his sister picked up the phone:
Her sister : Hello.
Me : Hello. Pwede ba kay ****?
Her sister : Sino toh?
Me : Pakisabi si Airah.
Her sister : Ay, wala po eh.
Me : Ah okay.. thanks na lang. Bye.
Now, you maybe thinking that I was a bit unreasonable. Malay ko nga ba kung talagang wala. Pero deep inside, I know he's there. He just didn't want to answer the goddamn phone himself.
And you know what? I'm hurt. Terribly.
Kahit naman paano, gusto ko kaming maging close sa school.. I mean hindi lang sa phone! But before it happened, parang deadmahan na kaagad..
I think there's something wrong.. I just can't figure out what it is. I dunno if it's just me or him or whatever. I just don't know, you know.
Tears fell down nang ibalita ni Hanz na like ni Vampy si Him. Sabi pa raw ni Djo, medyo feel niya na like rin ni Him si Vampy. (Both are codenames, guys! Hope you understand.. May ibang mga classmates ko rin kasi na nakakabasa nito. Mahirap magbitaw ng names! Sorry talaga..)
Na-open up ko na kay Him iyon dati. Sabi niya okay lang iyon... Like lang naman. Pero after almost three weeks na hindi namin pagto-talk.. Baka totoo nga iyon. Hindi ko pa naco-confirm sa kanya because I couldn't reach him on the phone anymore. Besides, wala akong balak i-confirm sa kanya iyon.
Truth hurts. I know that. Pero what I don't know that comes from him wouldn't hurt me, right?
Kaya mabuti pang di ko malaman. At least, hindi ganoon kalakas iyong impact no'ng hurt.
So, ayun¦ Another reason why I thought I'm not special anymore is because he's not replying to the letter that I had given to him last week. Take note: LAST WEEK.
As in no reaction pa rin talaga! And I'm fed up being excited everyday about expecting even just a SINGLE reply from him.
Kahit naman for me special siya.. Nakakasawa na rin noh!
That's why for the past minutes, I had already come up with a decision.
[to be continued]
P.S. aka Pahabol Sulat: Wala pa talaga kasi akong makitang "solid" na sign na he's not liking me anymore. So, may next post pa about this.
Wish ko lang, people.. na whatever the results maybe.. either a good news or bad news.. Sana lang, andiyan pa rin kayo beside me!
Thanks talaga. *hugs*